Adventurism

"Navigator!" I hear you call. "Did you get too busy sitting on your ass during vacation that you forgot to post yesterday?"

Of course not, dear reader. I would never. Yesterday was no normal day. I would have posted but a crazy set of events happened of which I shall now pour onto this page.

My family and I visited my sister in law over in Red Deer. Yesterday, I was sitting in the back yard, enjoying the weather, when who should appear out of the trees but a most unexpected visitor: the next door neighbor.

"Hold this for me!" He said then rushed off after handing me a Samsung fold phone. Well I wasn't born yesterday so I immediately stripped down and hid it in the only hiding place I know of, nature's pocket. I then began to run due north (remember that direction, it appears later).

So, there I am running east when the phone un-folds, edges ripping and tearing. Of course, I couldn't do anything with the cops after me so I kept running and juked into a back alley. I rushed over to the local bum, handed him afiver and asked for help. He spit on his hand to lube it up and reached straight down my throat, through my stomach and all the other organs and pulled the phone out.

In his hand we could see the screen had broken. We locked eyes and we both lost it. Just rolling on the ground laughing and bleeding. The cops came around the corner and started throwing up, vomiting, puking and pontificating. I took this chance to make my escape with the phone and retraced my steps.

Well, it turns out the neighbor didn't want me to smuggle the phone, he just needed to wash his hands! So, I head off to the hospital to get fixed up and half way through the surgery I wake up and give the surgeon a high five as he's tying a suture, undoing all his work. The anesthesiologist cracks me over the head with a mallet  and I wake up in the car, driving home.

I guess they didn't want me there.