HELP!

Ok, I need the help of my loyal viewers(which from recent comments is one of you.....Hi Shanna!). I need to know how to say "I don't speak english" or "I don't understand English" or something along those lines only in different languages. I need these in any language but French or English, they suck...I'll even allow the Japanese, my hatred isn't as great for them. So send in those translations so that when people ask me to do things at work, I will be able to not understand them!